I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
