ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
being pregnant is like rehab
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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