Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize