drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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