That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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