I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
