Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
