i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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