her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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