I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
