My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
