Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
