If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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