I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
