I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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