i think i scared a bird with my dick
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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