i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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