Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
