Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
