i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
