my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
