It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
