Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
