I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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