i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't turn off my feet"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
