Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
