Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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