I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
