When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
