I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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