I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
