What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
