Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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