we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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