I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
