once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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