so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
