my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
