There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
