can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
