i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
love makes seman taste better
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
