theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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