My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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