her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
