I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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