Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
