i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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