take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
