its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I have aggressive nipples.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
