Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
