2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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