I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
