I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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