Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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