True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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