Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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