you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
